Case file #1225

Bag it and tag it. Until next December.

Or November… or October… why does it keep getting earlier every year!?

A heavy-duty storage bag for your artificial tree. Built by people who make real body bags. Seriously.

$69

Price coming soon

+ $10 shipping

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Exhibit A: the bag

Heavy red vinyl. Green handles. One long zipper. You know the type.

Heavy-duty material, made by the industry leader in dependability and quality for body bags.

A red Sleigh Bag with a green-trimmed edge lying on a pulled-out steel drawer in a cold grey storage room, a green tree showing at the open zipper.
As found.
The red Sleigh Bag with green handles on a stainless steel table in front of a wall of steel cooler doors, partly unzipped with a green tree inside.
Exhibit A: the bag
The red bag zipped shut on a wet driveway at night, behind police tape, with yellow evidence markers.
Exhibit B: the suspect, an artificial tree
Close-up of a green webbing carry loop riveted to the red vinyl bag, on a wet driveway.
Exhibit C: the handles
Close-up of the long zipper and its pull on the red vinyl bag.
Exhibit D: the zipper

Why you need one

  • Takedown day.

    Fold the branches, lay it in, zip it shut. Case closed in minutes.

  • Eleven months in custody.

    Garage, attic or basement. Zipped up and out of the way until next year.

  • Built heavy.

    Same heavy red vinyl we use on the real thing. Made for harder jobs than this.

  • Parole every December.

    Unzip, stand it up, decorate. Bag it again in January.

How it works

  1. Unzip.

  2. Lay the tree in. Handles up.

  3. Zip it. Carry it off to storage like evidence.

Exhibit E: the footage

One drawer. One bag. One very festive suspect.

What happens: in a cold grey room full of steel drawers, a man in a trench coat unzips a red bag lying on a pulled-out drawer. Inside is a lit artificial tree, wrapped in string lights. He looks up, unimpressed, and says: "Another one." Fade out.

Case notes

Size
About 6′ × 3′ (more sizes coming soon)
Fits
Tested on trees up to 10 feet
Material
Heavy-duty red vinyl, the same material APM uses for its body bags
Handles
Green webbing carry handles
Closure
Full-length zipper
Care
Wipe clean with soap and water. Dry before storing.
Made in
USA

Questions from the jury

Does it fit my tree?

Tested on trees up to 10 feet. Current size is about 6′ × 3′, but look for different sizes coming soon!

Real trees?

Feel free to use this bag to dispose of your real tree and get a new one next year. (You might look a little suspicious to your neighbors when throwing it out, though.)

Where do I keep it?

Garage, attic, basement, under the bed if it fits. Store it dry.

Can I use it again?

Yes. That's the point. Same bag, every year.

When does it ship?

Flat $10 shipping. {{SHIPPING}}

Is this a real body bag?

No. It's a tree bag made by people who make real ones. Different job, same standards. But what you do with it after purchase is your own business…